So my bank got hacked, or one of their minions got hacked, or something, and the upshot is that they send me a new credit card just in case.

I call them up to activate it–I don’t owe any money, but I still prefer to have the card on hand, in case of emergencies. After I jump through all the hoops, I get the reciting-from-script woman trying to put me on an automatic payment protection plan, whereby Wachovia pays my minimum payment balance for six months if I or my spouse become unemployed blah blah blah.

"Sorry," I say, "but this is useless to me, I don’t HAVE a minimum payment."

"I understand your reservations, ma’am, but in this troubled economic time, wouldn’t you like to–"

"I’m self-employed. I can’t become unemployed. This is useless to me."

"I understand your reservations, ma’am, but this is a risk-free trial for thirty days–"

"I. Don’t. Owe. Anybody. Any. Money. This is no good to me." 

"I understand your reservations, ma’am, but if you’d just like to review the protection plan, we’ll send you–"

"There is no possible way that I can use this service. Ever. Please stop."

"Thank you for calling Wachovia."



"Did they change my pin number?"

"I can’t help you with that, ma’am. You should call the number on the back of the card."

"But that’s the number I called in the first place!"

"I can’t help you with that, ma’am. Have a nice day." *click*

I am left with this feeling that one or the other of us failed miserably, and I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t me.

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