I generally pay lip service to the notion of keeping kids off drugs. I say lip service, because I did a lot of drugs, and seem to have lived through the experience, so I am unable to shake my nagging feelings of personal hypocrisy on this one, nor do I particularly regret any of my drug experiences (although the one time I got falling down drunk was indeed regrettable) but I do genuinely believe that most people are not smart enoug/mature enough/responsible enough to do the right drugs the right way–and teenagers hooked on crack or dying of alcohol poisoning is a tragedy that should be averted at all costs, god knows, etc ad infinitum.

However, today I have an even better reason.

Kids should stay off drugs ‘cos it’s the only bloody time in your life you’ll get the option, and you should take advantage of it. Time was, I could throw clothes in a suitcase, pack a toothbrush and go off on a trip for weeks or months. Nuh-uh. Not any more. I’ve gotten OLD. And now I’m a friggin’ medicine chest with feet.

For a three day trip to Anthrocon, I am already doing the checklist. I need Advil if my arms start to hurt and Aciphase so my stomach acids doesn’t runneth over and Tums in case it does and fish oil and B vitamin for my cholesterol and birth control because…um…and Allegra in case of allergies and I’m wondering if I should do the Echinacea and Vitamin C cocktail starting a few days in advance to try and bolster my innards against Con Crud. I have a shopping list of pharmaceuticals required to keep my failing flesh in prime tip top shape–and I’m freakin’ twenty-eight!

And god! Now I have an opinion on the price of drugs–I could have gotten an entire 200-hit SHEET of white blotter acid that would make God give you a brain massage and paisley flamingos boogie down on your cerebral cortex for what a month of Aciphase costs. Fortunately, I have insurance, but seeing three digits on the little sheet of paper before I get down to my not-unreasonable co-pay gave me a nasty shock. And if I didn’t have insurance, it just wouldn’t happen–let my esophagus resemble swiss cheese if it must, you can’t get blood from a turnip.

So. Stay off drugs, kids. You’ll be on ’em soon enough.

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