Selected Readings from the Book of Ursula, Cantos VXII.II

And Ursula went forth into the Pennsylvania wilds, even unto Emelenton, which lieth on the bank of the river Alleghany, to visit her parents.

And Ursula’s mother, who was wise in the ways of painting and limning and drawing and many other arcane arts, spoke unto her, saying “Hast thou tried this new cradled gessoboard? Verily, it is supreme among painting surfaces, and thou shouldst check it out at once.”

And Ursula answered, saying, “Alas, I have seen the gessoboard, but fear it also, for it is ungodly expensive, and I am a cheap bastard.”

And Ursula’s mother said, “Thou must try it.”

And Ursula answered yet again, saying, “No! For if I should try the gessoboard, and find it good, and wish to forsake all other painting surfaces, it would yet be twelve dollars a square foot, and this fills me with dread even unto the depths of my wallet.”

And Ursula’s mother spoke, saying, “Yes, but you don’t have to frame it afterwards so you save money in the long run.”

And Ursula acknowledged the wisdom of this, but still fear was in her heart at the price of the gessoboard.

And Ursula’s mother grew wroth and said, “Do you take this piece, and try it! And then call me and tell me what you think.”

And Ursula bowed to her mother’s request and took the cradled gessoboard, and returned to her studio upon the nameless swamp in the land of Cary.

And several days passed, while the knowledge of the cradled gessoboard ate at her heart like a canker, and finally she took up the paintbrush, saying “Have at thee, foul painting surface!” and painted.

And it was good.

And Ursula spoke, saying “Woe! I am undone, for I love the cradled gessoboard, and yet it is twelve dollars a square foot, whereas illoboard is three bucks a sheet.”

And she spoke again, saying, “Well, bugger.”

And she went unto her husband, James, and poured out her predicament before him, but locked in mortal combat with the X-box was he, and replied only, “So pass the cost on to the consumer, then.”

And Ursula went back into her studio, but what happened next was not recorded, and the language that was heard beneath the door will not be recorded for posterity.

Leave a Reply