I just saw this commercial. It looked like an anti-teen-pregnancy commercial, and I’m fine with that. Woman looks at pregnancy test. Husband looks at test. Text flashes “There’ll soon be a new addition to their family. Their lives will change dramatically. They’ll be the youngest grandparents in town.” Then it pans to a scared looking girl sitting on the toilet.

Up to then, I was fine. I don’t think teens should be getting pregnant either. If I had my way, “Use A Condom, Dumbass” would be stapled to the foreheads of everyone under eighteen. But then the commercial says grimly “Using marijuana impairs your judgement!” and fades to black.

Hello, left field.

Yes, marijuana impairs your judgement. So does alcohol. So does cough syrup and sharp blows to the head. I’m pretty sure, however, it doesn’t get you pregnant. I could be wrong on this–obviously you’re not allowed to research weed much, so a lab somewhere could be impregnating women via bongs, and just hasn’t been able to announce the results. However, I remember smoking a lot of weed in high school and college, and while my memory may have been impaired by it, I’m pretty sure I would have remembered a pregnancy. Friends and family who have smoked pot more or less since the beginning of time can vouch for increased pudginess, the lack of short-term, and lowered stomach acidity from smoking pot, but astonishingly, none of them have been impregnated by puffing a joint. (I dunno how the sperm gets delivered, given that one does not smoke a joint vaginally. Possibly they wear little tiny jet packs.)

I realize that personal responsibility is rapidly becoming a thing of the past and all, but if guns don’t kill people, people kill people, then I’d say pot probably doesn’t impregnate people, people impregnate people. Blaming pot for pregnancy is like blaming beer for pregnancy. Haven’t seen too many “Beer. It gets you pregnant.” commercials. Sure, it impairs your judgement! But we’re a country founded on the notion that people can get fucked up in their own homes if they want, since we assume they’ll be sensible and KNOW they’re impaired, and not do too many stupid things. This is why you can buy alcohol but get punished if you drive drunk. This is why you ought to be able to buy weed, but get punished if you drive stoned.

Now, I weathered my teen years, during which I had sex and did drugs. I also used birth control and never once got into trouble for pretty much anything, other than not calling home on time a coupla times. When I decided I was going to be having sex, I went and got pills, and when I decided I wanted to try a few of the recreational pharmeceuticals out there, I arranged to have plenty of time free when I wouldn’t be operating heavy machinery. This was not hard. If marijuana were, indeed, such a great annhilator of reason, one would assume that I would have fallen to its perils and gotten sufficient abortions to earn frequent flier miles at the Planned Parenthood clinic. However, I found it pretty much like alcohol, only with less vomiting, and never had so much as one. So as far as I’m concerned, the only fair option will be to run another series of ads that feature pregnant teens and the perils of alcohol, cough syrup, too much cold medication, sharp blows to the head, sleep deprivation, and that thing that happens when you drive too long and get hypnotized by the horizon.

Or maybe we can just pull the current set and replace them with a series of ads going “Stupid people who don’t plan ahead. They’re more dangerous than we thought.”

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