So, while we wait for the site to come back up, let me tell you a wildly inappropriate story.

So, as longtime readers are aware, I’ve been fighting an ongoing war with the hair down south. And I’ve pretty much gotten it to the point where I’m pretty well denuded, and reasonably comfortably so, except for the hinge of the thigh, the “bikini” area, which stubbornly continues to supply me with razor bumps and ingrown hairs and general misery. (You’d think that other regions would be a lot more of a pain, but…no. Wield a razor around there, and there are no complaints. But the bikini line flatly refuses to cooperate.)

Today I went in, got the offending area waxed–found myself uttering the phrase “I am not getting a bikini wax for the benefit of the good people at NPR, damnit!”*–went home, picked up a fresh batch of razors, since I was out, and while I was at the drugstore, saw something called “bump patrol.”

It’s a product for men, and I gotta admit, I prefer men’s shaving products for the most part, because I despise things marketed specifically to me that involve pink and daisies and all that crap. If they made shaving products with little skulls and flames on them, that would be my market. I generally have had no luck with the women’s anti-bump stuff, but I hadn’t tried this…some kind of aftershave lotion or something? “Guaranteed results in 48 hours!” All right. Nothing else was working. Let’s give it a try.

And I went home, and I showered, and shaved the parts that hadn’t been waxed–the parts that DON’T give me trouble–and grabbed this particular goop, and poured some out, and slapped it on my newly waxed flesh.

Were this a scene in a movie, this would be the bit where the camera pulls waaaaay back, and a flock of crows erupts, cawing, from the forest overhead.

I can say with some authority that I did not need to wait 48 hours for results. Admittedly, the result was me screaming “JESUSMARYANDJOSEPHWAAAAAAAAUGGGH!” but it was, in fact, near instantaneous. (Which is a good thing. You’d hate to have that happen unexpectedly 48 hours in, while you were at a nice restaurant or something.)

I grabbed the directions to see if I had somehow selected the “Liquid Fire” application option. No, apparently not. This is apparently what’s supposed to happen. (And men do this WILLINGLY!? To their faces!? Goddamn.)

So. We learned a lesson today. Yes. Learning experience. Quite.


*Just don’t ask.

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