I beat Resident Evil 4!

*insert dance with “Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Who’s your mommy?” here*

The last boss was a cakewalk. “If I poke him, an eyeball comes out. Hmm. Wonder what happens when I put a rocket in the eyeball? Ooooh! NEAT!”

Unfortunately, as a last little caveat, they included a harrowing jet ski driving portion to get you away from the exploding island.

I am a very, very, VERY bad driver. At least in games. I’m…well, tolerable…in the real car, but I can’t drive for shit in games. Carmageddon is the only driving game I ever loved, for obvious reasons. I can master the art of the zombie headshot, but steer a vehicle? Fergeddaboutit!

Which is why I killed the endboss without taking more than a paltry sum of damage, and then died twenty-three times in a row in the thirty-second endgame.

But eventually I won, by stint of memorizing the entire bloody course and muttering “Left…left…right right accelerate left right left–!” under my breath.

I feel a warm glow of victory.

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