In the unlikely event that the Olympics ever chooses to recognize Speed Flatpack Furniture Assembly as a sporting event, I would like to volunteer to represent my country in the timed Target Bookcase event. I have assembled six of the bloody things in the last couple of days, and I can now whip one together in the time it takes for one and a half contestants to wipe out on Ninja Warrior. I can’t swear to take gold, but I oughta be able to bring home at least a bronze.

And I can promise not to dope, as doing so would probably interfere with the rest of my drugs.

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