And Another Thing…

This is more of just a random observation for the geeks out there, but why is it that every movie based on an H.P. Lovecraft tale does not just suck, but sucks in a fashion so profound and intense that you start wanting to use words like “eldritch” and “loathsomely non-Euclidean crawling abyss” just to describe it?

Also, they never seem to be based on any particular story, although the one I’m watching now, “Dagon” breaks free of this, although it’s not based on the story “Dagon” (that would be far too Euclidean!) but on “Shadow Over Innsmouth.” However, it seems to be adhereing sort of vaguely to the original plot, although of course loathsome fishmen from cyclopean sunken cities of hideous antiquity aren’t nearly scary enough, so they’re eating people’s skin, too.

Plus there’s a hot chick, so you KNOW it’s not following the plot of anything by Lovecraft.

Stephen King, much influenced by Lovecraft, at least got a 50/50 shot. On the one hand, you’d get “The Shining” and on the other, you’d get “Cujo.” Some real stinkers, but a few good ones. But it seems like if Lovecraft’s name is on it, it’s gonna be not just bad, but practically elementally awful. For example, our hero is being drowned in a toilet full of salamanders by a guy with squid tentacles for arms. They’re in a flooded house, mind you, but the squid guy drags him halfway across the room, through knee-deep water, because it’s important that you drown people in toilets. Or something.

On t’other hand, no Lovecraft-loosely-inspired movie I’ve ever seen was as bad as “Dollman Vs. The Demonic Toys,” which, to this day, is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and yes, I did watch all the Leprauchaun movies. There was approximately fifteen minutes of footage in it–the rest was flashbacks to the previous three “Demonic Toys” movies, the “Dollman” movie, and some other movie that I think got thrown in for tax reasons.

It would be nice if Peter Jackson did a Lovecraft flick. I have faith that he could pull it off. And at the very least, it would have a higher budget for squid costumes.

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